Ok

I left another message today. No phone call. I wont call again until NEXT week. I wanna talk to this female. She could at least tell me the status of everything. Bitch. 

I've left two messages with the contact person for the doctor and she hasn't called me back. just want to know what she has and what she doesn't have yet. I'm not calling anymore. Not until after next week. I'm just gonna try and chill and realize surgery won't be until mid August. ARRRGG!!!

I'm hating this. I would like life to get started already. But, everything in due time. Watch him go on vacation. I just know it. And how come everyone else can reach her, but me? 

Just one conversation would be nice.

last of the pre-op tests

Nutritionist.. I get too smile, nod and be a good girl for someone who knows nothing about the DS today. I know this nutritionist, but she probably only knows the RNY. That's fine. I'll listen. Learn things I already know about malabsorption and be the bestest student in the world. No delusions here mame. : ) Just send a positive report and we'll be BFF's forever.

In all seriousness, I will be so glad when tomorrow comes. I'll be done with this portion and I can get a surgery date in about a week. Then a whole new ball of wax begins : ).

Wish

I wish I could eat more. I'm really hungry, but my stomach can't handle it right now. I've lost 14lbs in one month. Keeping hydrated. I know it's better for the surgery and gives me less to loose overall, but I wish I had something I could put in my gut that agreed with me.

Taking two tuna sandwiches and some water with me today. Hoping I'll get hungry enough to enjoy them. I'll need my strength. Today's test really worries me. I think it's a stress test. I'm scared of that and I don't know why. I can do a treadmill, but run??? I don't know.

all I can do is my best. pray I'll pass and get ready for the Nutritionist. She'll be easy. Talked to her before. I don't think she knows anything about the DS, so I'll school her somewhat. Gotta get my facts straight though with the malabsorption rates and stuff.

later

interesting

would I be happy at the weight of 185lbs? personally, no. I wanna weigh around 150lbs. anything smaller and I would look death like. am i doing this surgery for the right reasons? who's to judge? I want to look better, feel better, take diabetes out of the picture, stop the family insults and just live for once. no more body aches. prettier clothes. all types of superficial and deep reasons. the list goes on and on.

my primary doctor is so supportive. my mom just wants me to not die on the table. my friends want me to be happy. so do my therapist and psych doc. I'm not telling one of my friends. She's negative about the whole thing and I don't need that vibe.

Either way. Tomorrow's a big day. Gotta rest up. Later.

my stomach

it's been pretty bad. nausea, cramping, vomiting. my bowels isn't too great either. an the pain from the scar tissue is about at level 7 at times. I'm not a happy camper. hip and back pain. THIS IS HELL WEEK!!!

I've got some warm tea in hopes of settling my stomach. I really don't feel well. I hope my period comes BEFORE surgery. I don't wanna eat, but the only thing that makes my stomach feel good is spaghetti. protein is too heavy. 'cept for some tuna. 

hopefully i'll feel better  soon.

Yuk

So many people are being switched this month. Good. They are doing well and I'm so happy for them. I love to hear good news about people. 

I'm not doing so good today. Menses. And the adhesions hurt me when that time comes around. I hope he can do something about it when he operates. Gonna get some pain meds on Monday. Have to do a fasting blood work for Dr. Mali too. So glad this week is OVER. Hopefully it will be a fast weekend and I can get things  moving again.

I'm so tired. So hungry. I've got to eat.

what i'm capable of....now

another deep depression. another death in my family and I know i will gain the weight back. and with the weight comes the diabetes. which i have seen kill too many family members. this is one of the reasons I'm having the DS done. 

I ballooned up too 350 after my uncle's death. shouldn't have been able too, but I did all without stretching my pouch. If it wasn't for the loss of my gallbladder, i wouldn't have lost this much weight. Each year i would drop weight, just not hungry. I had many huge gallstones. no pain, just bloating. Still have bloating today. 

The DS will prevent this from ever happening again. A 20lb gain I can handle. But 70+, let's be serious. I don't understand how things got to be this way, but here I am. I can't die now. My tummy tuck was more dangerous than my RNY. This is the most dangerous than the other two, leaks... we worry about leaks.

I heal fast, so with the lord on my side.

Company

I had company today and it wore me out. Just talking, playing the Wii and watching movies. Took my mind off of things for a while, but still. The week is almost gone and I'm realizing it's gonna be a whole lot more waiting after next week. Not sure what to think about that actually.

Sometimes I'm really scared, other times, it just doesn't matter. I'm practicing eating and drinking differently. sips and chewing more. I wish this month were over already.

Being disabled and unable to work gives me free time. I've made myself a hermit basically. But not really that deep. I'm fighting it.

Wondering

It's only tuesday. And each day I realize things are gonna be different. I've accepted that I'll have some sagging skin. Won't be able to afford plastics. I think the arms are gonna be the worst. 

Gonna see what exercise can do, but not expecting miracles. Gonna walk. See if I can have my BFF's arm weights, she doesn't use them. I hope I can, she might get iffy about the whole situation.

I've learned so much from other people about the DS and what to expect. Especially that supplements are the most important part of the deal. I'm gonna have to work on a way to insure that I have them at all times. I think I have, but it's got to be definite. I'm so afraid of labs and not having good labs or my bones being too weak or my teeth falling out. Calcium deficiency. I'm lactose intolerant and haven't been very good about my Calcium level. I take D supplements and I'm gonna have to take mega doses once I get my DS. Or maybe not.... I don't know... It all depends upon labs... 

I've got a list to give my PCP, to see if she'll run them. They are the things I'm gonna need every six months. She and I are gonna have to keep up on them. I guess I'll be more relaxed once things start moving again. But for now... I worry about things like labs, my bones and what to do if I have to go 'in patient' again.

I have BiPolar and depression and sometimes I need to be admitted for medication adjustments and other things. How am I gonna make sure I get all my supplements and eat properly? I guess I have to bring them with me. Right down to the protein shake and shaker. Since I'll be on the psych ward, I figure I can do this cause they can't provide the type of vitamins I need at the hospital. As for food. Hey, be creative!!!

That's another thing, there are a lot of unanswered food questions pre-op. What I can and can't eat will be known, AFTER surgery. So I can kinda, sorta prepare with tuna, protein shakes, almonds (for wayyy later), chicken broth, popsicles, tea's and that's pretty much it for stuff that stay's long and early stage stuff. I'm the type of person who likes to prepare ahead of time. So I have it at hand and there are no problems later on when I need it, it's there. Always be prepared type chic. 

Enough for today.

Pre-Op Blues

This is the before shot. 286lbs in this shot. I'm 277 lbs now and finishing up my testing for my DS. I only have two more tests to go thru, Pulmonary and Nutritionist. Trouble is, I have to wait a whole week before I can go to those two appointments.

I think I'm gonna go crazy this month. Hell, this week. All this waiting and worrying. I'm anxious and nervous and excited and scared. I wanna get things moving. Start life again. Or just make life a little better than the hermit life I'm living. 

Money is always and issue. And I find myself always waiting for it to come in for me. It's never there when I need it. I'm doing too much future thinking. I know that... Gotta chill with that.

Anyways, the Duodenal Switch is my WLS of choice. I've already had a RNY and a revision. I have gained back around 40lbs of the 140 I had lost. At one time I had shot up too 350lbs and that was after surgery. From the beginning I was 412lbs. My lowest weight was 236lbs. I've been yo-yo ing up and down between the 300's and 270's for about a few years now. Time to stop the madness.

My pouch is still the size of a golf ball, it's just that something went wrong. My doctor says the surgery just wasn't aggressive enough for me. With the SMO (Super Morbidly Obese), you need something with more malabsorption. Like the DS, which is one of the reasons for my choice. 

The other reasons are my eating habits, they vary from grazer to every 2 to 3 hours. If I'm eating high protein, high fat and low carb. I'm doing the right thing via DS. And I can live that way. I have no problems with the supplements, I already take pills for life. Being Bipolar and having depression. I'm stable now and wish to stay that way, luckily the meds I'm on are absorbed well. (Knock on wood). 

Lots of thoughts, lots to say for a first post. Gonna end it now.